There are some things I think I’ll never fully understand.
I’m in an airplane as I type this. I know the laws of physics that explain how a giant hunk of metal can fly through the air – but even still, I don’t think I’ll ever completely “understand” it. It still rattles my brain.

LIkewise, even though I’ve been doing middle school ministry for many years now, there are still some things I’ll never fully understand!

- Like how every week when small groups of middle school boys spend just a short amount of time in my office, the place absolutely stinks for hours after they’re gone.

- Like how middle school parents don’t care what we teach 49 weeks out of the year, but when we start our guy/girl relationships series they’re all super-curious.

- Like how a jr. higher who’s excited to see me will run up & stand 12 inches from a conversation I’m having … even though they have nothing they want to say.

- Like how an adult who’s so reluctant to volunteer time with kids, can fall so in love with middle schoolers that they invest more than you ever thought they would.

- Like how “stealing a hat & running away” is still so fun for jr. highers.

- Like how some middle schools act like they’re about 8 years old, and others act like they’re 18. And how sometimes that’s the same kid, 20 minutes apart.

- Like how a game we dream up seems like such a genius idea – until we actually play it!

- Like how honest a middle school kid will be with you, when they know that you really care about them.

- Like how God uses a shmoe like me to help some jr highers see him a little more clearly – and how that can really, truly make a difference in their life!

Have you see “the look” before?

It’s the one that you get when you point out something awesome to a middle schooler… about themselves.   It’s an expression that makes me think they’re trying to communicate “I love hearing about this ‘good’ that you see in me”, and also “I really want to believe what you’re saying about me could be true.”

It’s what happens when we Call Out The Best in middle schoolers.

Jr. highers are familiar with hearing instruction from adults.  And correction.  And even warning.  But I think they’re less familiar with adults really, truly encouraging them for fantastic traits that they see developing in them.   Especially since those encouraging traits often aren’t “perfected”… but rather “on the way”.

A few days ago I was at a middle school basketball game.  It was a thriller (as far as JHi hoops goes!).    The point guard for one team doesn’t go to my church, but I do know a bunch of his friends, and he’s come to a couple of outreaches we’ve done.  He hit some clutch shots down the stretch (including a 3 pointer at the end of double-overtime) and led his team to a win.  When the game was done & he was walking to the parking lot, I noticed that his dad wasn’t around – so I discreetly pulled him aside.

“Nick”, I said, “that was one heck of a game”…. And he showed a smile, while retaining his athlete-cool.  “But can I tell you, even more than hitting those big-time shots, I was even more impressed with how you played.”   I could tell that he wanted to hear more, so I said “When your team got frustrated, you didn’t let it rattle you.  And not only that… your teammates were taking their cues from how you kept a level head.  I don’t know how much you realize it, but the rest of those guys really watch you.  And when you give them some encouraging words, it really lifts them.”

The whole exchange lasted less than 2 minutes.  But he gave me “that look”.  And when he walked away he said “thanks…. Thanks so much for saying that”.

I still remember a guy who started calling the best out of me when I was in middle school.  He was the first one to call out some gifts that God had placed in me, and his willingness to name them gave me the first hope that those things could actually be true about me.

Just curious — what “good” do you need to name in a middle schooler you know?  DO it!    And maybe you’ll see “that look” staring back at you.

This past weekend, Kurt & I were at Mark Oestreicher’s Middle School Campference.  I was asked to talk for a few minutes on something that I wish every Jr. High leader would either start or stop.   It seemed to get some good traction with the people there — so I thought I’d post it here, too.

Lots of us work pretty hard creating places to “PUT OUR BEST FOOT FORWARD”.
- to “Manage our Brand”
- to get a bunch of “followers” …. by tweeting clever things
- to have a bunch of Facebook “friends” … or Instagram “likes”

And I’m definitely one of these people, too!   Just this week, I posted a few Instagram photos.

-One that might make me seem witty.

- One that might make me seem like a really good youth pastor.

- One that might make me seem like a romantic husband. (boy, those kind of posts always get a lot of response, don’t they?)
And I wouldn’t want you to know how many times I checked back to see how many people “LIKED” what I put out there. Every time someone did … it gave me a little jolt.

BUT … LEST YOU THINK I’m HERE TO RANT AGAINST SOCIAL MEDIA …
I’m not.

Here’s what I am here to ask:
In addition to us being so preoccupied with having places to “put our best foot forward”…
What if we all worked just as hard to find places to PUT OUR WORST FOOT FORWARD?

But when I say “places”, I don’t mean virtual places.
I mean “Safe People”.
People who can KNOW THE WORST PARTS OF US.
People who can KNOW WHERE WE FAIL,
WHERE WE’RE VULNERABLE
WHERE WE MOST NEED HELP.
And they love us anyway.

Who knows the crud that you struggle with?
 Can you name names?
It takes decision … and effort.
If a struggle is pretty easy for you to talk with someone about – that’s probably not the kind of struggle I’m referring to.  I’m talking about the kind that you’re REALLY rather keep to yourself.

This one of those subjects that we’re quick to tell students that they need…
But that’s one of the TOUGHEST for us to actually do ourselves.

Maybe you’ve even taught students this verse before:
JAMES 5:16  “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
And we “believe it” … we really do.

BUT IT’S ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I KNOW TO PUT INTO PRACTICE.

We work HARD to get a LOT of people to know us A LITTLE BIT.
We might be better served if we worked as hard to get a COUPLE people to know us ENTIRELY.     Embarrassingly entirely.

Who KNOWS you?   REALLY knows you?     Can you name names?

Not your facebook profile, or just the cleverness that we saturate Twitter with.  “that guy’s so funny! ”  “that girl has the wisest comments!”

Who knows the last time you spoke to someone you love in a way that would HUMBLE you if it got shown on a screen at your church?

Who knows the last time you saw a pornographic image on your computer?
(Not just that “porn is a challenge for me”…  but specifically, when the last time you saw a naked image?)

Who knows the last time you did that thing that you never want to do again?

NOT so that you can feel shamed. But so that you can “be healed”.

It’s tough. It really is.
And not everyone is ready to hear this kind of confession from you.
I’ve tried it … and had people run away.
People who I love. And they listened. But then they never brought it up again.
Maybe because they have their own struggles, too, and they’re scared?
Maybe because they wanted an image of me that was more perfect?
I’m not sure. But it stung.
And yet still – I know I need this.

Here’s what we know is true … but often refuse to acknowledge:
Not getting 100 more twitter followers by Christmas isn’t going to disqualify you from ministry.
BUT …
Not having someone who knows your secret world could bring your ministry – and life – to a grinding halt one day.

There are people I know who are Out Of The Game because they kept secrets…
You probably know some, too.

I HATE THIS.
I hate telling someone where I’m weak.
I hate telling someone where I’ve failed.
I hate telling someone I’m tempted, or vulnerable.

I imagine what they’ll think.

But then someone confesses something to me, of their own free choice.
And you know what? I respect them more.
I want to root for them. I want to pray for them. I want to help them heal.

I love to have places to put my best foot forward.
But also I wish everyone would decide to find a place to put their worst foot forward, too.

I don’t know how many tweets you see in a month … much less how many you actually remember for very long.  But there’s one that I read this past month that has stuck with me – and I think that it might stick with me for a long time to come.

 “The penalty of bad leadership: you’re always stuck with the same problems; The reward of good leadership: you get to solve new ones.”

I’ve heard it said that when it comes down to it, “Leadership” at its core is figuring out how to solve problems.  And I think I buy that.   But sometimes, when I have to try to solve the same problem over & over, I subconsciously blame outside factors.  (If parents would only _______,       If students would just _____ … then this problem would be so much easier to solve!)

 But this tweet has made me re-examine the recurring problems I’m trying to solve.   And It’s made me think: maybe they’re repeat-problems because my l need to find a new way to tackle them.  So this month, I’ve been trying some new strategies.  And although it’s not been “perfect” – I do see progress.  And that’s been encouraging.

The other dimension of this tweet that I really like Is this:  Sometimes I’m tempted to think “If I was just a better leader, all the problems would get solved!”  And looking back at my own leadership experience, (and leaders that I respect most), I’d have to say that’s just not true.  There will always be another problem, another challenge.  But that’s actually a pretty exciting thought!   Because if I’m taking ground on the “old problems”, I can see results that encourage me to tackle the new ones!

So – there you have it.  My favorite tweet of the month.

What about you?  Any “favorite tweet” from the last 30 days or so?

This isn’t the most “upbeat post” I can think of, but it’s pretty important stuff in our ministry as we get the school year started. Our church’s pastoral care area has been a huge help to us in student ministry when it comes to prepping our volunteers to navigate “high risk conversations” with students.

Throughout the course of the year, we’ll have hundreds & hundreds of conversations with students. And some percentage of them will have some drama associated with them. (I’m not commenting on which gender might produce more drama … ☺ ) But there’s clearly a difference between a high-drama conversation, and a conversation that moves into the area of “High Risk”. Over the last few years I’ve been introduced to some language that not only helps me, but also helps us to prepare every one of our volunteers who work with students.

Around here, we talk about listening for one of The 3 Harms.
Being Harmed – This can include physical or sexual abuse, but also any kind of neglect or exposure to harmful materials or circumstances
Harming Others – This includes threats or abuse of other people, or even threats about it.
Harming Self – Quite a range here, from self-injury, suicidal thoughts, drug/alcohol abuse, and more.

In each of these cases, we tell our volunteers not to hesitate to call 911 if immediate safety is a concern. And then, we let them know how they can reach out to someone else on our team for help. Handling situations like this alone is never a good idea!

As we’re training our volunteers in our middle school ministry, we like to remind them of a couple of things. First, we’ll never leave them on their own in dealing with a situation like this! They’re likely to be the first one to find out about an issue, though, from a student in their group, so we want them to be prepared. And secondly, we’ve found that the chances of one of these things happening with their small group of 6-10 students is actually fairly low… because we don’t want to freak them out.

When I do run across these high-risk situations, my other rule-of-thumb is to never handle them by myself, either. I always involve other pastors from our church as we try to help students navigate tough times like these.

Like Kurt, I’m coming off of some family time – hope you’ve had some rest this summer, too!
And like lots of you, I’m gearing up for THE NEW YEAR!

Most of our students go back to school this week or next… I can’t believe it, because I’m not ready to say that summer is anywhere near “over”. But as the school year begins, it’s also a crazy-huge opportunity for us to help students connect to our ministries… and to people who care about them, and will point them towards Jesus!

Whether you’re a part of a ministry with 1 volunteer or 100, I’m a big believer in doing some kind of “kickoff” as the school year begins — without any students there! From my first days in youth ministry, I’ve needed some kind of Kickoff to launch me into the new school year. Two key components stuck out to me this year:

Vision! I really think that even the most passionate people in youth ministry need fresh reminders about “why we do what we do”. And often times, those reminders come in stories. At our kickoff last week, I told of a high school student who I’d reconnected with recently … she’d disappeared from our ministry after 7th grade. Well… she didn’t really “disappear”, as she was still connected with her volunteer small group leader. But she wasn’t able to come to our weekly gatherings anymore, because of some crazy family circumstances. And as I talked to her this summer, for the first time in a couple of years, she told me about how her 6th & 7th grade years in our ministry were crucial for her following God into HS – even though she wasn’t able to come to church anymore. It fired me up! And it motivated our volunteer leaders, too.

Prayer! Gathering together at the beginning of the year, to pray for students, for parents, for our connection to God, and for His way in our ministry… what a great way to launch a season. We decided to devote more of our kickoff gathering to prayer, and someone on our team said “Not Prayer-to-End-a-Meeting, but Prayer-to-Launch-a-Season!”

I’m lifting a prayer for you right now, as you dive into this new school year … let’s serve this students with all our might, and point them towards the One who loves them most!!

Not many people would disagree with this statement: “The Best Fuel for youth ministry is Time Listening for God’s Voice.”

But lots of us (definitely including me) have trouble with that.
Things move so fast. If it’s not my schedule moving fast, it’s my brain. (sure, maybe that’s some ADD… but that’s another issue)

Last weekend, I got to go to a Father/Son camp with my 12 year old. The camp program was ok, the camp facilities were good, and time with my son was fantastic. But one of the best “benefits” of this camp is that for nearly 4 full days, I was out of cell-phone and internet range!

When’s the last time you unplugged for 4 days? It’s been a while, for me.

An obvious highlight was time with my son… climbing rock walls & launching off rope swings into a river. He won’t leave my side since we’ve been back home. ☺
But another highlight was the hour every morning when the camp staff organized games with the sons, so that the dads could sit by the river and listen for God’s voice.

I realized that even when I slow down… it’s hard for me to slow down all the way.
And as I sat there by the river, breathing deep, I looked up & saw the clouds slowly drifting by.
They were moving!
You might say “duh” … but I was struck by the fact that I hardly ever notice that.
Mostly because I’m going too fast.

So — since I’ve been home — I’m taking time every day to get slow enough to notice the clouds moving. And it’s been a great catalyst for me to Really Listen for what God wants to say to me.

If slowing down is a challenge for you… give this a try!

These past 2 weekends, we’ve been welcoming “Brand New 6th Graders” into our ministry… maybe you’ve been doing the same. We move our students up from childrens’ ministry into Jr. High Ministry in June, because it helps them get acclimated to this new rhythm before the stress of school starts in the Fall. A big bonus is that they also get to come to summer camp with us!

A couple years ago, we started snapping individual photos of each new 6th grader on their first day into our ministry… complete with them holding a 8/5 x 11 handwritten “sign” with their name on it. Truth be told they look a little more like mugshots than yearbook photos — but we’re cool with that!

There have been several big payoffs from doing this:

Name Recall! – I’m sure I’m not the only youth pastor who’s been guilty of calling a kid “dude” because I couldn’t remember their name. We print out these photos & use them like flash cards… and I shocked Tomi & Harrison & Noah by remembering their names when they came back for their 2nd weekend last week! (Of course, several other students couldn’t believe I forgot their name too… but hey, I’m disappointing sometimes!)

Growth recognition – Do you know how much the average kid GROWS between the first day of 6th grade, and the last day of 8th grade? Looking back at old 6th grade photos reminds me that they’re not just growing physically…. But emotionally, relationally & spiritually, too.

Blackmail ammunition – When students get older, you can say “don’t do that, or else I’ll show everyone that picture of you from 6th grade!”

Not well formed thoughts… just what I’m waking up thinking about this morning…

Last night I had a bunch of our middle school ministry team over to our house – great time! We’d had it on the calendar for a while. Laughing, talking, competing, pizza-ing, pranking.

Also on the calendar last night was a basketball practice for my 7th & 8th grade sons. They’re in a “tournament league” that plays at a nearby college. I’ve loved coaching my kids’ sports since they were little, and being involved as much as possible.

Turns out that last night they decided to arrange all of the teams in the league into 3-on-3 teams, and they had a 2 hour tournament to determine a winner. My sons finagled their way onto the same team, and they came bursting into our house full of friends last night gleefully announcing “We won the tournament!” Apparently all the coaches made a big deal of it, and it was quite a scene.

Then my son who was standing next to me said, “Dad, you missed it!”
A few minutes later my other son quietly said to me, “I can’t believe you weren’t there to see it!”
And those were the words I woke up thinking about this morning.

Not a big deal, of course, in the broad scheme of things. I’ve been to tons & tons of their sporting events; coached lots of those. And I feel like I’m a fairly “present” parent. But in that moment I felt like I missed something. I second-guessed myself. I wondered if I should’ve done something different.

Even though this is a pretty small example, I think I’m just trying to say that Parenting Middle Schoolers is more complex than it looks at first glance. I think later this week I’ll post a couple musings it looked easier to me when my kids were 6 and 4 and 2, than it does now that they’re 16 and 14 and 12!

… what 4 things would you say that Jr. Highers “value”?

We had an interesting conversation with our middle school team recently, about What Four Things Jr. Highers Value … and how those are reflected in our ministry. If they truly value these, but they’re missing or threatened in our ministry, that may jeopardize their experience — or even chase them away.

Your 4 might be different than ours… but it’s a great exercise to try.
Here are ours:
- Acceptance
– Fun
– Friendship
-To Be Taken Seriously

What’s your Top Four?